The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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