found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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