I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
