So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
