Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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