i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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