She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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