woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
