We won't sleep together?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
