Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
