whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
