Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
