farters have to be the big spoon...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize