She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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