I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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