If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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