whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
