I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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