Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
