I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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