You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
