On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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