She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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