i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
