i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
