I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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