I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
