gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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