I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
