i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
