I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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