No stitches, just platelets and will power
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
