was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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