Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
