ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
