dude i'm inner monologue high
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
