I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
