Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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