Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
