she woke up with a sticky ear
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
