i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
