Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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