I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
