my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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