who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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