i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
