Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
