Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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