I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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