There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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