somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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