I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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