You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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