Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
