i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize