You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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