The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
