I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just took my morning after pill in the library
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
