We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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