P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
