Swine flu. Run for my life!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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