what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
