She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
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