So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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