dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
