i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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