When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
