My sheets look like a crime scene.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
