I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
