Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
