watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
