he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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