My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize