highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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